I know this semester is going to be hard. I have a semi-heavy load and I am marching Act 1.
I can't explain how happy I am though...I love color guard and I have missed it so much, so to have a chance to be on a guard that I loved and with people that are so amazing is a blessing. I find myself excited to go home and practice and no matter how hard it is or how much I have to work, I find myself not wanting it to end. Every person is unique in their own fantastic way. I find myself wanting to be around them constantly. (not in a creepy way)
To be around the people I already knew : Brian, Stoney, Kat, Shamelle and even Cassie feels great. I have missed Brian and my friendship. We have a way of being able to respect each other no matter what our hardships have been and I have always appreciated that. Stoney is my Stone man. I enjoy his personality and how no matter what I may say he will always flash a smile. Kat has always been an inspiration to me. When it comes to dancing I want to just learn as much as I can from her. As for Cassie who I had only encountered once from last season, well she made such an impression on me that I adored her from the first time she spoke. She is a bright intelligent girl who works hard. My Shamelly Bean is like my little sister/baby lol...all I want to do is watch her grow more and more amazing everyday, which I know she will.
As for Julie (captain J), Margaret, Armand, and Katie. I have never met a more welcoming group of people. No one has ever made me feel so a part of a group when first meeting me. And I am grateful for that.

Okay enough with the love fest I am just very happy and wanted to express that...

mood: happy music: Ocean Sized Love

I really should stay away from ex-boyfriends, well one in particular...

But whatever he's moving in six months.

Any who Twister gets old quick.

Nasquasha is by far my favorite nickname for Nastasha.

I'm glad I am home

My braces are coming off the 8th of January

Spring semester should be fun

I already want to get back to WVU, I miss people.

Casey, I know Tila is a stupid Whore but, we did enjoy the show!

"My weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks.
I've nailed some milestones, but I've made mistakes,
Cuz I got more faults than a map of California earthquakes."
-Rives

location: Room mood: bored music: Favorite Things

I am feeling a lot better despite these past weeks. Please excuse the last post, I was upset plain and simple. I am not going to deny the way I felt I am just making sure it is known that I said it in a time of stress.

Anywho I wasn't doing well today it all just hit me. School, Friends, Family, and everything in between has become overwhelming. But luckily JJ took me for a drive to let me vent and got me a hotdog and onion rings. Made the night.

Jeremy and I are talking. And I am very happy about that. We can be friends, because I have always loved talking to him. I still feel bad, about somethings but it's alright. We can move on from this. and I am glad he is able to speak to me. I am going to have to put all the pictures I deleted from my facebook of him, back up. I shouldn't have deleted them. Again done in stress.

Next year I will be living with my Zoccolo and Kelly, which should be fun. I love them both. I am interested to see how they interact together.

I have two finals this week then I can finally come home. This break couldn't have come sooner. I need a change of scenery. I need to be away to appreciate this place again. One of the perks of not living here all the time.

The things I need to accomplish over break:
1. Cut hair
2. Get back into some sort of shape
3. Spend time with my gorgeous niece
4. Enjoy some alone time
5. Pay some bills
6. Work
7. Breath...

:)

mood: better music: Missy Higgins

Yes I hurt you. I didn't do it maliciously. I wanted to stay friends, and you told me to have a good life. So I guess this is it. Goodbye. Goodbye to what we were, how much I loved you, how much I still think about you everyday. Never say I didn't try. And the gift, that was harsh and unnecessary. I was honest and that was necessary. I still love you what ever you may think. So go ahead and write me off, burn the bridge, pretend it never existed. I will follow suit. You won't have to hear from me again. But know that I will always have a place for you in my heart, hate me all you want but I will always care about you.

location: Room mood: crushed music: Second Hand Serenade

I'm enjoying work. My feet are killing me but thats okay. I get money and that's all that matters. Well technically right now I don't get money, my check has yet to come. But hopefully it will come this week.

This past week has been filled with appearances from old friends. Annie works at Unos with is a hop away from Origins (where I work) and Sebastion I saw today while walking back from my lunch break. This is all very exciting to me, I enjoy nostalgia, and I love it when it includes people I enjoy being around. I also got a friend request from Dan Dan the Chipotle Man (as some of you may know him) Dan was my uber crush when I was a sophmore, junior, and partial senior. He always has a way of showing up randomly. Very funny.

I want to begin gardening. I bought seeds today, the "Fragrant Flower" assortment. I am very excited! I have to get my wisdom teeth out on the 26th, which post pones my surgery AGAIN.

Jeremy and I will have our one year anniversery July 4th. I want to see fireworks. very badly.

I saw Shrek, and it was cute but thats about it, I really want to see Pirates but Jeremy refuses to because he is still trying to get over how horrible the second on was. So I will probably see it with Katie.

I'm Bored.

Good Night

location: T.V. Room mood: indifferent music: Golden Girls

So, since I just got back a little while ago from seeing Disturbia, I am up. And totally freaked out due to my anxious paranoia and the fact that -despite its perks- I have the apartment to my self till Wednesday. Unfortunately for me the only things that seem to be calming me down are sucky episodes of Yo Mama. I usually watch this show to fuel my anger, but now I find it to be the only thing keeping my mind off of the possible psycho that could be living next door. It doesn't help that I never see any of my neighbors, and that means that they are probably out killing someone. This of course is a little unnerving.

But besides all this,

I am home for the summer, gloomily awaiting my surgery that is supposed to happen sometime around June or July. I am currently unemployed because the Express I was working at -happily mind you- was shut down. I feel like a bum, I attempt to wake up early to pretend like I have something to do, and end up spending my time watching daytime talk shows and cooking elaborate meals for myself. Then of course I talk to Jeremy and see him. I would visit my friends during this time but they are in school or they are taking finals.

I am currently attempting to clean/organize my room. Or really trying not to. I would not wish the amount of random crap I have on anyone except my enemies. I have SOOOOOO much. Yeah of course my odd talent of winning toys from claw machines is entertaining, but it is not, when all those random 50 cent animals are crowding my bed. Because of these and other amounts of stuff I have discovered, I have decided to have a garage sale. But, I don't have a garage, at least one that permits strangers to enter it. And I don't have a yard, well one that isn't a public courtyard, so I am stealing Katie's yard sometime in the future. I will post details, if you want to sell any of your crap please feel free to sell it at the yard sale o’ shit. I'll make lemonade.

I have an interview with Origins tomorrow at 3pm. I am hoping to get a job, I need one. Not just for the money, but especially because I am a fantastic candidate for cabin fever. Despite how enthusiastic I sound about current happenings, I am very proud of myself. (Tone shift!!!) I got all A's and one B+ for spring semester and my cumulative GPA is 3.2, which some claim to be very good for a freshman year GPA. I find it hilarious that I waited till college to get good grades (always late). But hey better late than never? Whatever.

I love my boyfriend. Being home has only made it more apparent. July 4th will be our one year (how patriotic), and at the risk of sounding corny or cliché, I am very excited!!! I am wearing the ring he gave me religiously, simply because I love it. It is silver with his and my initials next to each of our birth stones. AGGGGHHH IT PAINS ME HOW RIDICULOUS I SOUND!!! Who cares though, who am I trying to impress?

Alrighty I think the murderers in 473 have finally gone to bed, which means I can sit in my fully lit room awake in peace now.

location: Guest Room mood: anxious music: Yo Mama!!!

So I have a new obssesion, The Tudors. It's a tv show based on the whole Henry the 8th stuff, and it is really good and the guy who plays Henry is gorgeous. As I was browsing the collections of photos on the web of him I noticed a likeness to some other actors I am attracted to.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Henry VIII:






Then there is Ewan McGregor:






Then there is Joaquin Phoenix:






In conclusion I believe I have a type, or atleast one...

location: Room mood: enthralled music: Elton

Jane= Angry, betrayed, upset, embarassed, and hurt.

location: nowhere mood: blah music: nothing

YAY!!!

location: room mood: happy music: Jeremy's Voice

Comment and I'll give you a letter. In your Journal post your ten favorite songs that start with that letter.

Gina gave me G!

In no particular order...

1) Grace Kelly - Mika
2) Gaston - Beauty & the Beast Soundtrack
3) Gay Eskimo - Juicy and the Quark Pigs
4) God Only Knows - Joss Stone
5) Golden Years - David Bowie
6) Good Morning Starshine - Cast of Hair
7) Grow Old With You - Stephen Lynch
8) Goodnight Saigon - Billy Joel
9) Good-Old Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen
10) Gone - Brandi Carlile


That was fun!

location: Room mood: awake music: Misc.

"Here is only part of my list. I am grateful for:

* My family, especially my three babies who have grown into such wonderful young women despite their parents"

-Mom



I have noticed that although I have convinced myself that I have let go of my past, I have discovered that the parts that have hurt me the most I have not. One would think those would be the easiest to let go. I have reached the point where I know where I want to be at a certain point. I know how to get there too, but for some reason I can't give myself that final push to actually achieve it. I have realized that I have pride myself in the fact that I will never end up like them. Never. And I am thankful for the fact that I got the chance to witness what I do not want. Of course I think the reason I still hold on is because they have things that I still long for. They get to do something I love, and it's not that I can't, it is just that they have ruined it for me, I will have to find another outlet. They live with reckless abandonment, I choose not to. This is not to say that I don't live in the moment, because I do, I just choose not to base all my decisions on that. They never look forward to what may come of it, and sometimes I envy the ignorance they display every day.

I am so lucky to have experienced the life I have had. I am lucky now I have plenty of friends that love me, plenty of people who don't (everyone has to have some), I am currently with the love of my life, and I have a bright future ahead of me, and I am able to say this. I wouldn't call the relationships traumatizing, but I would call them unforgettable, they shouldn’t however be called unforgivable. I think I sometimes am a hypocrite when it comes to letting go. Even people that hate me the most have left it. I obviously give myself far too much credit. I have given bad memories the chance to become my only memories, while I have so many that are fantastic.

Jeremy always says to me "Why do you have to be nice to them? You say that you aren't friends, that they were mean to you, that they aren't nice and yet when they say hello, you say it back." My response has always been "Well I am not one to burn bridges" After contemplating this I realized that some of these people I am "nice" to are the ones that are the meanest to me or I haven't even built anything to burn yet. I am letting people who really shouldn't be, get to me. I should really grow up. I say that with the fullest intention of achieving that.








Sleeping pills no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this, now's a better time as any


It's ok by me, its ok by me, its ok by me
It was a long time ago
It's ok by me, its ok by me, its ok by me
It was a long time ago

location: Somewhere Different mood: curious music: Imogen Heap

The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.
John Dewey

location: New House mood: blank music: Nothing

Creepy

I went home this weekend...

The weekend went by so quickly I can hardley remember what happened. On Friday, I came home to a house filled with people, Sharon was keeled over in my mothers bed. On tuesday she had gotten her tonsils taken out, and recieved a pain killer. Well Sharon being Sharon is baically allergic to everything (penicillian, nickel, dairy, you name it) So her painkiller contained Codine, which is a common allergin to many people. Well apparently the side affects are feeling crappy, and throwing up everything that ever exsisted in your system. Sharon was in and out of the hospital and we took turns watching her sleep in case her throat swelled too mucch that she wasn't able to breath.

I got to spend some time with Jeremy, We went to Outback Steak House, and I think it was Saturday that I got to go to a movie. The Illusionist, which was actually quite good and I really enjoyed it. Unfortunatley I didn't get to go to the Act 1 tryout/clinic thing to help, which was the entire reason why I came home! It was early in the morning and Sharon was only getting worse. From what I heard everyone had a lot of fun and I wish everyone the best of luck! I'm sure the show will be amazing this year, I'm excited to see it!

This morning I had an orthodontist appointment, I got prescribed some toothpaste that much to my father's dismay cost $17. Who knew that a tube of toothpaste could cost that much?

It was definatley harder seeing Jeremy at home rather than him coming to see me. The weekend flew by, because it was as if I had never left, and it was just another weekend in Reston. It only made it harder when I left because it felt wrong that I had too. I find that I love him more and more each moment I am with him.

I feel weird today and sorta crappy. So I am off to bed...hopefully...

location: Dorm mood: ugh music: I wasn't prepared - Eisley

We had our first big fight was last night...

and we talked about it...we actually communicated about it. So to all those people that said I would never find a boy who would beable to communicate his feelings to me. HA!

Okay I am done.

mood: bored music: What Dreams May Come

I heart Him.

Thats it, we decided that it is better than just liking. Which is exactly that. I am to the point of tears when I have to leave him each night or morning or afternoon when his work beckons.

Him: What do you want to do tomorrow?
Me: Can we just stay in?
Him: Absolutly.

I know WVU is going to sooooo much fun and yes I'm excited, but Im going to die the day I have to leave him, which is coming up right around the corner. Too Fast. extremely.

I wish just one day we had no responsibilities except to each other we could lay around and be lazy together, dicuss stupid topics like how short a fat guy's shorts are, how crowded subway trains get, how amazing Katie is especially when she bakes cakes, how work sucks and how much I really like him and how I should just not leave so we could be together just a little longer which is all we need to be more crushed when I do leave.

Maybe I could figure out away that we could just lock each other into a house and never have to leave, because frankly I would be fine.

location: Duh mood: mnurph music: When You Call

Dude once it started playing and I was searching through the songs, I almost kissed him because I was so estatic...

But I didn't...still don't no how I feel about the whole situation...I know I suck...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy

I want him (2) to come home, I miss him...I need more people home, because once I came back people left, oh well...it will balance out soon enough...

location: home mood: content music: Dirty Dancing Theme

Maybe,

Yes, if so I know it would be perfect or something like it but worthless when I leave...

No, then okay because I wouldn't want to give into anyone else or worse, ruin something...

"I guess we'll just have to see." - K

I hate it when she's right.

mood: confused music: Miss the Saturday Dance...Don't Get Around Much, Anymore....

Katie: can we make pancakes on sat morning?
Katie: b/c everybody ditched me and i wanted u to come to breakfast too
Jane: yummmm.....maybe I think
Katie: but i really want to make pancakes
Jane: lol
Katie: or waffles or something
Katie: oo wait
Katie: u have all night grad party, don't you?
Jane: yurp
Katie: AH!
Jane: but you always wake me up before I want to
Katie: but that is almost no sleep
Katie: i will def let you get some sleep after that. i know u will need it
Jane: ha ha ha
Jane: well doesn't breakfeast end at 11:000
Jane: what about Brunch?
Katie: hmm. we will have to see. i think i am having hamburgers and hotdogs at my moms house for lunch that day. a cookout thing. u could come to that so you can sleep in the morning
Jane: hahahah kewl
Jane: NO SLEEP FOR JANE ALL DAY KATIE PARTY!!!!
Katie: lol. i love you
Jane: I will wear mardi gra beads

***********************

I already have my schedule for next year, I have met my roomate and we love eachother and I believe we are quasi-soul mates...

***********************

I love all my friends even more than I did before, and I am happy...


done.

mood: happy music: Eric Hutchinson